WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
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BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
asking santa clause for nudes
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.