Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
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“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
My inexpensive home security system…
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom