TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
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I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
💯😂
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
They got a point!
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
Fat chances are my favorite chances