WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
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Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
What a chick magnet..
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
adding to the discourse
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?