WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
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This is funnier than it should be. 😂
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor