Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
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It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
At least he brought enough for everyone
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
i want to work in this restaurant
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts