Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
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this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
Me too door. Me too.
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
lmao
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house