Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
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I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
Them: You should try keto
Me: