[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
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When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
I only treason on days ending in y
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.