[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
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if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
In space, no one can hear…
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.