[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
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Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.