[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
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Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
I wish this was real life…
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
The police never think its as funny as you do.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month