WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
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Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
“I FIXED IT!”