WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
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(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)