Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
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Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
my nickname in college
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.