Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
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bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
Yes, this is exactly right
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
Brb my Sims are getting married
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS