WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
You Might Also Like
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
oh you like architecture? name three walls
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month