WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
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Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it