wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
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ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs