Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
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I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.