Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
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If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.