WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
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friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
Beware of the dog..
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!