WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
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The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard