WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
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Its a hippotatomus
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
quarantine day 3
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
*swipes right on my hand mirror
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?