WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
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ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
Some people were born into their job.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!