wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
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Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
Perfection.
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.