If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
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Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
There’s no “us” in nachos.
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
prepare for carbonated trouble
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said