WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
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The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.