WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
You Might Also Like
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.