@ItsAndyRyan: Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That's a long sentence!
Judge: Ok - "you get 10 years"
@InternetHippo: What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
@TheMichaelRock: After shaking someone's hand, I like to maintain eye contact while applying hand sanitizer.
@3sunzzz: I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn't sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
@KelseyCook: Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can tweet angrily from the toilet for your country.
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