WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
You Might Also Like
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
Risking my life for fun.
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.