@KalvinMacleod: WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
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@BuckyIsotope: [on first date] Yes I'll have the- *whispers to waiter* I don't speak French *points at menu* "The French toast, sir?" Yeah. 6 of those.
@jwoodham: Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
@TheTweetOfGod: The first rule of parenting is: never negotiate with terrorists.
@Book_Krazy: Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor Airport security:...
@AkashThakan: Let me tell you why going outside is not safe. Because chances are after a few days you end up retweeting a joke about yourself.
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