WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
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I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now