WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
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In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
Anyone really
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.