WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
You Might Also Like
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.