Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
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[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
There are usually two types of merchants.
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
This kid will have a bright future.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness