Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
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Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
shut up and take my money
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone