Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
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We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.