Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
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I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa