Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
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*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.