Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
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Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.