Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
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My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part