Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
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Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
My dream job is getting paid to dream
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.