WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
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People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
Optional boss fight.
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house