Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
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My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms