Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
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Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
But wait…
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.