Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
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No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
the greatest twitter interaction
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
Strange
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet