Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
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[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho