WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
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No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
Many hands make light work
I think about this a lot
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
😬
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do