WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
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Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself