wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
You Might Also Like
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
Nice try, NASA
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”