wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
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google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.