wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
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me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
X-tra spooky blend
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
My god she’s good.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror