Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
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if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.